Aug 29, 2010

Saying Goodbye

Where do I start. It's been a very emotional couple of days.

For those of you who haven't heard, Jeremy and I said goodbye to our 3rd baby yesterday. Let me tell you the story.

About 2 weeks ago I had some very, very light spotting. It was barely anything but to me I immediately had a bad feeling because I've never spotted with my last two. Many women spot during pregnancy and their babies are just fine but I just felt in my spirit that something wasn't right.

A week later I had some abdominal pain all day - not cramping - just some weird pains. It only lasted a day and that was it. I didn't think much of it.

Fast forward to my birthday, Thursday the 26th. I took the kids to the park that morning and got home, went to the bathroom and said "Uh-oh". My heart sank. I was spotting and this time it was much more and bright red. Not a good sign. Again, I immediately had a bad feeling.

Sometimes it's a hard balance because it's important to claim God's promises in our lives and stand on His word and not believe every bad report that is given but bad things do happen - hard times do come and we have to face them, accept them and heal from them. It's just part of life.

I called my midwife and she asked me a few questions and then told me if the spotting continued or if it increased or if I started to cramp to call her back and she would order an ultrasound. Well, I called her the next morning (Friday the 27th) because it hadn't stopped and I really wanted to go in and get that ultrasound and ease my mind either way.

She sent me in to this place right by the hospital where I delivered Gracelyn. I decided I wanted to go alone (although Jer would have come with me if I wanted him too) because I knew if I received bad news that I would need a good cry by myself. It's just how I am. After anxiously awaiting in the waiting area for 30 minutes I get called up and told they don't accept my insurance. WHAT? It's the same insurance I had with Gracelyn and everything was covered. They did some calling - nope, we don't take it. I then said ok then I will just go right next store to McLaren hospital where I delivered Gracelyn. She then told me I couldn't, they wouldn't accept my insurance either. I was beyond frustrated as my insurance was the same and I delivered Gracelyn there - I was so confused. The lady was not very helpful and didn't even seem to care. I grabbed my insurance cards and walked out balling my eyes out.

I was so emotional and frustrated. Here I'm bleeding for 2 days, may be losing our baby and I am sent away with no direction. I called Jeremy and was a mess. I didn't know what to do or where to go. He told me to call my midwife and get direction from her. I did and was told to go to Genesys Hospital in Grand Blanc which is where I delivered Ethan.

So I made the 15 minute drive there. I got in right away and waited in the ER area. Not a fun place to be. There was a girl throwing up horribly next to me, begging for help and I couldn't handle it. I was plugging my ears and singing every time she started to get sick. Which was every few minutes. Ugh - I felt so bad for her.

One of the chief doctors came in and talked with me for a bit. He said it was a very good sign that I wasn't having any cramping and how many women spot during pregnancy and everything is fine. His words comforted me and made me hopeful and so did all my friends that were praying for me. I was feeling like all was well with our little one.

I was told I would get an ultrasound and a pelvic exam and have some blood work done and would be there for 3-4 hours. I totally didn't expect to be there that long but of course just went with the flow. Hours later they wheeled me up to the ultrasound room. The tech did an external ultrasound first but had the volume off so I couldn't hear if there was a heartbeat or anything and couldn't see the screen either. Sigh. She then sent me to the bathroom to empty my bladder and told me to come back and we would do the internal ultrasound.

I did and came back in and said to her, "So, do you know anything? Is the baby ok??" and she said to me, "I'm not allowed to release any information. It has to come from a doctor. It's our policy."

Grrrreat! More waiting. As she was doing the internal ultrasound I was trying to read her body language. Nothing. I'm sure she's a pro at this and not expressing emotion. However, behind the ultrasound machine was a small TV up on the wall and I could see the reflection of the ultrasound a bit on there. I never saw any movement and my hope quickly faded. My peace was gone. She then wheeled me out and told me she called someone to come get me (I was in a hospital bed) and then she said to me, "Good luck with everything." Once I heard those words from her and the way she said it I immediately knew it was not good news. I was trying to still be positive but I just had that bad feeling. The feeling I had all along.

Another hour or more later I finally received the news. The baby had no heartbeat and stopped growing at 7 weeks, 5 days. I of course showed no emotion in front of the doctor and nurse that broke the news but the minute they left I broke down. I got my good cry out and I knew I needed it.

I headed home tearful. Once I got home Jer and I talked outside for awhile and it really helped. I felt a lot better after our talk. He always knows the right things to say to make me feel better. Thanks baby.

My mom was over watching the kids so we talked for awhile also before she left. Thanks so much mom for all you've done for us the past few days - we sure appreciate you.

I began texting family and friends and letting them know the news. It was so comforting to know how many were praying for me - thank you all so much.

About midnight on the 28th I started to have some cramping. I slept for 2 hours and then woke up and the cramping was worse and I was starting to have painful contractions - just like labor. Around 3am they were so bad that I was starting to feel dizzy and sick and was in tears. I wanted my epidural and of course that wasn't happening. I called my midwife - not knowing what to do. We decided we were going to go into the ER because it could last hours before passing the baby and if I went in I would get a D&C and be done with it.

I called my mom and she was on her way over. My poor mom - it's just like me to go into labor in the wee hours of the morning. It's happened with all of my pregnancies!

I was praying and asking God if He could please let me pass the baby at home. I dreaded going back to the hospital and dreaded getting a D&C. It made me real nervous and I didn't like the sound of it - even though I would be knocked out for the procedure.

Around 4am I smoothly and peacefully passed the baby at home. I felt God's love for me so much - He cares about the details!! I didn't think I would want to see the baby but that quickly changed once I passed it. I could see the baby, little eyes and mouth already formed. Such a miracle. Jer saw him/her also and my mom asked if she could too which I said sure. Then I waited alone in the bathroom with the baby for awhile and said goodbye. My midwife said I could call the funeral home, etc. but I didn't feel that was necessary for me at this stage.

I've definitely had my moments of breaking down and just sobbing. It comes at different times - usually when I'm alone. I had an overwhelming sadness last night as I was walking through Target and just then remembered the diaper bag. My new diaper bag that Jer surprised me with for the new baby. Of course I can use it now - but it's just not the same. I was saving it for the new baby. Sigh.

God has given me lots of peace mixed in with the tears. It's definitely not an easy thing - I've shed lots of tears and just have felt a deep sadness....knowing Ethan and Gracelyn's little brother or sister I will never meet here on earth - just an overwhelming sadness at times. But God has brought me so much peace in different ways and I have felt His love immensely. God is good and I trust Him. He loves me and didn't want my baby to die. I truly believe that. Some people may say, "Well, it was just God's will because He is in control." I just don't believe that, I never have. He creates all life and it's surely not His will for my babies to die. It's just not who He is. But, we have to realize that we live in a fallen world and lots of things happen that aren't God's will. God's will is for ALL to know Him but we know that not all will accept Him.

Sometimes we aren't going to understand why things happen and we have to learn to accept that and move forward. I don't blame God for our baby dying because I don't believe He had any part in it. He was the one who created our baby. I will just continue to trust Him, love Him and serve Him with my life - He has blessed my life with many good things.

Church was so great. I didn't think I would want to go today because I knew seeing my friends and getting those long hugs would only bring tears but I woke up wanting to go and I'm so glad we did. I did get some hugs and I did have some tears but I also had joy. I felt God's love in so many ways through all of this and I thanked Him for loving me enough to know what I needed and what I didn't need.

The two people that are bringing me so much joy and healing are my two little loves, Ethan and Gracelyn. Without them I think this would be so much harder on me. But they keep me busy and they keep me smiling and laughing. They warm my heart. Ethan likes to hold Jeremy's hand in the car sometimes while we're driving. The minute Gracelyn saw them holding hands she reached our her hand to me and let out a little whine like, "Ok, I want to be a part of this too!" And there we sat holding hands - so cute.

My midwife informed me that if we wanted to try again soon for another baby that I had to wait 3 cycles. But, as of right now I am not desiring to try for another baby - I feel pretty content with the 2 we have. I might change my mind at some point and Jer is open to having more so we will just take each day, each month as it comes and we'll both know when the time is right to try for another one if that should be our desire.

Another really sad thing for me is that I received the saddest news on the same day we received our sad news. My friend that I posted about a couple months ago that has cancer - she is younger than me and is a single mom to her little boy, Barrett. Not sure if you remember my post about her? I think I deleted the post but if you remember about her she's been fighting for her life. She's had a rare form of cervical cancer. Well, she lost her fight and I've shed so many tears over it. She knew Jesus which I am very thankful for but have been just so sad thinking about her little boy, Barrett Jay who will never know his momma. Or at least not until they meet one day in heaven. It's just so tragic and my heart is hurting over it. Please be praying for little Barrett - I'm praying that his life is blessed and filled with good things and that he will grow up to know how much his momma loved him and fighted for him. Here's a recent picture of her and her son - you may remember this picture I posted awhile back.

On a happy note, I have some exciting news. Awhile back I was praying about watching a friend of mine's new baby this fall. I used to watch her son when I had my daycare and she's now had a new little boy. We then got pregnant and I felt it would be too much so I passed on the opportunity. Well, Friday morning I had a message from her asking me if I knew of anyone that could watch her little one. The person she had lined up was now not going to work out. I told her I may be interested. At that point I didn't know if we were losing the baby or not because I hadn't gone in for my ultrasound yet but I told her I would get back to her. So anyways, I say all that to say I am going to be watching him part time, starting on September 7th. I feel the timing is perfect and that it will be good for me and I'm really excited about it. His name is Brady and he's 4 months old. She tells me he's such a good baby and I'm excited to have a real little one around the house again seeing as my sweet Gracelyn is growing up on me way too fast! Here's a little glimpse of Brady's cuteness :) Jaxen is Brady's big brother who I used to watch in my daycare.

Special thanks to "Mama Jude" and "Papa Ray" for coming over and watching the kids yesterday for us so we could go out to dinner and Target. It was much needed for me and we really appreciated it.

Thanks again to all of you who have sent me a message, text, thought about me and have been praying for me. Your prayers are truly felt and have brought healing to me.

Love you all,
Momma Keri ♥


Joy said...

Keri, it's so great to see your balanced perspective on it all. I'm with you--God is a good God and is not to blame here. There's an enemy, and he makes me so mad when he's no respecter of persons. More hugs and love from Oklahoma. You're a wonderful woman.

His Hands His Feet Today said...

Praying for you as you mourn and yet celebrate the goodness of God.

Anonymous said...

beautiful! thanks so much for sharing your's an amazing one <3 Layne

Tricia said...

Your mom shared this with me I hope you don't mind. I'm very saddened to read this but your perspective on it is admirable. Loss of a baby is hard, no matter what stage. I know that pain and hate that now you do too. Email me if you ever want to talk.

rachael said...

oh keri i was just able to access the link to your blog. i am so truly sorry about both your losses! your in my thoughts!

Lindsay said...

You are such an inspirational woman, Keri. I've been thanking God for you a lot lately. Thank you for sharing so honestly, your words are impacting people on ways that you don't even know...
Love you girl!
Lindz <3