Oct 11, 2016

A love note to my baby girl.

Wow. You guys, it's been 2.5 years since I blogged last. To say my personal blog has been put on the back burner would be an understatement. Life with the Fab Five and running my photography business is busy to say the least - but I miss writing for me and hope to blog again here and there. So, where do I begin with this post.

My baby girl is one today. One. Her newborn smell is long gone, her little clothes packed away and somehow a year has passed since she entered this world.

I am struggling. I have honestly dreaded this day all year to some degree, my baby turning one. Now, before you have the urge to say, "Keri, you have 5 kids!" or tell me I should appreciate that she is growing and healthy, perhaps I should be allowed to be ME, and share my feelings, seeing as this is my blog after all.

Of course I am beyond grateful for this little girl. Beyond grateful she's healthy and thriving. It's not about that.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am the biggest baby lover you will ever meet. I love everything about pregnancy. I love running out to the store to buy pregnancy tests. I love anxiously counting down the days before I can test and see if I get a positive. I love thinking about baby names. How I will tell my family, and announce to the rest of the world on facebook. I love seeing what fruit or vegetable my baby is the size of each week and how they are growing. I love deciding do I want to find out the gender or be surprised this time? I love buying baby clothes. I love watching my belly grow and taking pictures every two weeks. I love baby kicks. I love shopping for a coming home outfit and finding a cute baby announcement. Which newborn photographer I will book. I love nesting and packing my hospital bag. I love the last days before delivery dreaming about how I will soon be holding and snuggling my new little peanut. I do NOT love labor, seeing as it's never fun or easy for me and my babies like to hang out many days past my due date and take forever to be born. Perhaps they know how much I love pregnancy :) I love finding matching shirts for the kids when they meet their new sibling and capturing their sweet faces at the hospital. I love love love those first moments after my babies are born. It is such a high. This brand new little life you dreamed of for so many months, or in Brooklyn's case years.

You see, I dreamt of having another little girl for several years. And I wanted to name her Brooklyn Faith. It was in my heart for so long, and of course Gracelyn had been praying for a little sister for so many years too. So when we decided to have baby number five, and when we found out early it was indeed a little girl, the tears flowed. I was getting my Brooklyn Faith and Gracelyn was getting her baby sister. What a blessing.

As I reflect on this past year though, I can't help but feel incredibly sad. Sad a year has already passed and I'm a year closer to not having a baby. A year closer to not having a child in diapers. A year closer to having no use for onesies. A year closer to not needing a crib. Months closer to not having a nursing baby anymore. For some, they can't wait for those milestones. For me, I dread them. I love babies, I love having a big family and the thought of Brooklyn being our last baby is hard for me. I don't want this season of motherhood to end, I've enjoyed it so much. I do look forward to each season with my kids and I've absolutely loved watching my older two kids change and mature so much but this season with littles is my very favorite.

But I'm having a hard time and will for awhile. And that's ok. I'm me and I'm embracing my feelings because I know I can't be the only momma out there to have extreme sadness about her baby turning one.

Oh my sweet sweet Brooklyn, you have brought so much joy to my heart sweet girl. I am so grateful your daddy said yes to you. I can't imagine life without you. And I know your sister couldn't either. You are so loved and adored. You have such a sweet personality. You're just a little peanut on the growth charts (but totally healthy) and I kinda love that. God knows I need you to be little awhile longer. Thanks for not being chubby. :)

I didn't end up hiring the birth photographer I really wanted to capture her birth, but I gave my hubby some tips in the hospital and I would say he's a rockin' birth photographer! His shots, my edits. We make a good team :)

And can we all reflect for just a minute on the amazing memory of me having my dream of Rachel Vanoven photographing my baby girl coming true? So incredible.

And some of my favorite images on the planet of the Fab Five are thanks to my amazing friend Laurie with Simply Art Photography.

Happy 1st Birthday Brooklyn Faith. So incredibly in love with you sweet girl.